With Jakjak now going to pre-school, it seems that family days have become more of a planned day rather than a spontaneous one. Only a year ago, all the holidays that I had to worry about was mine. Recently, school holidays have become more and more part of the plan (most of the time, it is the plan) and our days have to be scheduled around that. It's easy to say to just steal a day or two from our daily life, but reality is not always that kind, nor that giving. So it becomes a mixture of decisions on which days give in and which do not.
Funny though, just last year we were thinking about how much time we could have to ourselves once Jakjak starts schooling. As it turns out, it's not really that much. In fact, without the free spontaneousness of those free days, it has become a chore. But all is not lost. Of course there are opportunities that we grab in order to keep things as less strenuous as we can. In fact, our daily mis-adventures have not changed much, if it has changed at all.
I believe that one of the most important things that a parent can (and should) give their child at this stage in both their lives, is time. Not just quality time, but the quantity of time as well. We have to admit it, in today's fast paced life, the old adage "quality time is more important than quantity of time" no longer applies. You cannot give quality time if you did not have the quantity of time in the first place. So this is, again, about balance. Life and time do not turn back. It is up to us to make the most of them.
We have been wanting to put together videos of Jakjak from when he was a baby, however, something seems to have been missing for the longest time. A video camera.
My dad has one. But that seems to be a problematic sort due to old age. And it was using the much widespread (back then), video 8 format. I would not be able to edit those without getting dedicated video equipment, and I was not about to spend on something that I would not be using in a profession. Besides, I was born in the digital age, analog for me was purely nostalgic charm.
And so the problem persisted.
Our first point and shoot camera finally joined us in 2006 and it had video! It was not the dedicated digital video monster cam that we had wanted, but it did the job. Most of the time anyway. The problem with the point and shoot was that it recorded in a format that is not used by my editing software (which was free). Alas, we had to content ourselves with un-edited movies. At least we had decent photos.
You see, while I was content with taking photographs (hundreds of them at a time), there was something that those photos could not replicate. Photographs freeze the moment and captures it, which will sometimes give you some work to remember what that photo was all about. But video, well, video captures the whole moment. It's like packing up a slice of life, a whole memory. Or for Harry Potter fans, a pensieve. And that is what Mum wanted.
We still do not have a dedicated video camera. But we are capturing what memories we can with a neat little device that does the job surprisingly well (and loads better than my now dying point and shoot), and most people use it for other things as well. In this world, beggars can't be choosers right? So, we lug along as best as we can at 720p with a fourth generation iPod touch.
One of a parent's worst nightmares. It is something, it seems, that toddlers are meant to go through. And when they do, it turns parents belly up with frustration and drives them into madness. Ok, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit, but it's pretty darn close.
The difficulty lies on how one defines that thin red line between too much and much too much (yes, that is not a redundancy). We have been taught not to give in to a child's inner turmoil because they would use that as leverage against us parents. Every parenting book I've read says this over and over. But honestly, when you're there and the tantrums get extremely irritating, it will irk you to death figuring out how not to rip your own head off.
We have approached this problem in different ways already, some worked better than others, some went haywire and some simply just did not work. What I have laid out here then is not to tell you how to handle tantrums, but for you to observe some action-reaction results from my own experiences. Perhaps then, you can decide on your own approach to the problem.
Approach one. Ignoramus da Bratus. The books tell you to ignore tantrums and let the toddler pass through his anger. If you have an hour or more to spare, that's fine. And while this works for minor tantrums, it is not very effective if it involves eating vegetables and putting away his toys.
Approach two. Chatterus Calmus. The books tell you to sensibly talk him down from his heightened state of irateness. It works. But only after he has already calmed down and is already actually receptive. Plus, it's not always easy talking to a toddler in adult language. So you have to choose your words and make sure that the child understands you. Else, you waste hours of explanation and end up not getting through to him at all.
Approach three. Mis Direktus. The books tell you to re-direct the tantrum to a more positive output. I tried this and a Hotwheels car zoomed past my ear at 25mph. True, it wasn't overspeeding, but I could only imagine my initial reaction if the 350Z hit me dead center to the forehead. Not a pretty sight I think. While this works well for us, do take extra care on what you use for mis-direction.
Approach four. Maximus Threatanus. To be honest, there really aren't that many excuses you can use to threaten a child. And by threaten, I don't mean any kind of violence, please, I am not the executioner. For us, it's threatening to take away something that he likes doing for a short while. We once took away his playtime with the PSP. It worked, surprisingly, but only to some extent. The things that a child wants or wants to do changes at a whim. Because of this, a little bit of creativity is required from time to time.
Approach five. You are Grounded. This is something that we tried simply because we have not tried it yet. It is also the evolved form of approach four. We grounded Jakjak for a day from almost everything. He followed it as best he can, and he ended up simply talking to us all day (which we sometimes wonder if it was a good thing or not). No TV, no PSP, no DVD, no X-box. he does look sorry whiling away the time like that (counting ants and talking to plants), but it seemed to have done the trick. Until he figures out a way around it, this seems to be the most effective approach we have found.
There are others, yes. But I would not want to step into ruling with an iron hand. I would like to settle things in as democratic and peaceful way as possible, and I'm sure Jakjak would like that as well (whether he understands it yet, is a different matter).
My family and I have been living in a foreign land for more than 2 years now. For some people, that's reasonably long, yet to some people, it's barely enough. We all have our own reasons for leaving our homeland, and I am not one to judge whether our reasons are right or wrong. What I do know is that I am happy and satisfied where I stand today.
When I decided to live and work in Singapore, I knew that I would be bringing my family along. No ifs, no buts. It's either Judy and Jakjak are with me, or we stick with the odds back home. While that meant a larger amount of overhead expenses overall, them being with me did not even require effort in thinking.
I have heard of stories of parents or a parent being away from their families for one reason or another. I even know some of them personally. While some of them can bear to live apart for a period of time, I don't think I can. It cannot be just love, because we have to bear in mind that we are living in the real world. For me, it is a mixture of things. There is the thought of being away from them that is unbearable for me. Then there is the emotional responsibility that I feel I must provide for them. The multitude of fatherhood roles also come into play. Then there are little bits and pieces of other things.
It is a fact, that one of the reasons I decided to leave my home country was for financial stability, something that is tricky and difficult to achieve there. Then there's also the concern of growth, safety and wellness. The future holds a lot of uncertainties, but here, right now, I believe that we are giving Jakjak a good chance in achieving bigger dreams. My reasons may be the same with others, or may have some slight variations. But for me, along with my family, we chose to live here because we believe that we have a better future here. A future that we are looking forward to. Besides, Jakjak seems to can't get enough of Bandung.
We went home again to spend some time with our families. By home, I don't mean having a leisurely walk to the other side of town. It meant flying off to the Philippines and sorting out whatever needs to be sorted which fits in a very tight schedule. It meant getting work and school sorted out for the period that we would be away. And it meant dealing with an amount of stress that is almost equal to the amount of rest that we would have (or would like to have).
Still, like what Dorothy said, there's no place like home.
Home, as we told Jakjak dozens of times is where the three of us (mum, dad and Jakjak) are together and living happily. We tell him this because we want him to understand that home is not just a physical place. It should be a place where your emotions and your spirit are at ease and secure. Plus, it was kind of difficult explaining to a 3 year old back then, the reasons behind us packing our bags and leaving his grandparents and cousins behind (moreso his toys). So, home is where the heart is (as another cliche goes).
And while we merrilly live our daily lives in Singapore, it is during these rare moments that we really feel it. How much we miss everybody.
On this trip alone, the things we missed were: suman at latik, jolly hotdog, longganisa, tocino, fishball, squidball, kwek-kwek, pancit canton, pancit palabok, halo-halo, Oishi prawn crackers, Cheese ring, sinukmane, inihaw na liempo, adobong palaka ... come to think of it, we missed the food that our mums used to make. That and the food peddled on the streets. Of course we missed our parents too.
It takes a bit of effort on our part to go on a journey like this because we are lugging baggage, treats and a 5 year old boy all the time. It would have been cool to be considered backpakers, but our backpacks seem turn out to be 20kg suitcases and 7kg hand carries. Still, we do it. It's not just for us. It's mostly for Jakjak and his grandparents. They are the ones who have stories to share and fun to have. It is their relationships that need to be kindled and grown. Our parents have probably had too much of our nonesense already and need a break from it all.
One of the sad things that most fathers have to contend with, is working. While it seems easy to dismiss work as something that has to be done, is it not the same for taking care of your family?
This morning when Jakjak woke up, he asked me: "Dad, did I wake up early enough to play with you?"
That is a simple sentence constructed by a five year old boy. Yet, that is an honest question from the same five year old boy. He cannot understand the reasons why his parents have to go out and work. To a toddler, it simply means that dad needs to go and work. He will not understand the complications on why it has to be done (pay the bills, pay for the groceries, buy him toys, etc.). Nor does he need to be burdened by this understanding. It's enough that he has to comprehend missing his parent/s for a period of time, I find no need to give him more to think about and letting him feel that he is responsible for making dad go to work on time. It is the truth, yes, our need to be at work. But that is the truth for thinking adults. Let us not rob our children of yet another simple joy that he might find in not knowing the complications of life at an age where they should not be thinking about them.
However, until such a time that ordinary dads like me are able to work less hours in a day, this sadness will linger about. A sadness that is inevitable, but a sadness that will pass in time as well.
I took Jakjak to school this Sunday for their Sportsfest. The last time I took him to school was a little more than a month ago. Back then, it took his homeroom teacher to pluck him out of his grip on me. This time was different. While he still clung to me like he does everytime I bring him down for his school service to pick him up, it did not take as much effort to get him to let go and go inside his classroom. In fact, minutes before the school doors opened, he was happily playing tag with his classmates. Something he did not do the last time I took him to school.
His stories about school lately also shows that he's enjoying school more now than when he first started back in January. He now has stories of what they did for class, he now sings songs he learned in school (in Chinese even!), and he always tells us how he misses his homeroom teacher quite often. Admittedly, it makes us jealous sometimes, but it's a sign at least, of progress in Jakjak's part. While he can be considered a social butterfly, he does so on his own whim and in his own sweet time. He goes social only when he wants to, not when he has to. So far, school has finally made an impact with him and he has grown up.
He has grown up in different ways, which is very good. Emotionally, he is now mature enough to his level of play with other kids. Physically, he has always been able to hold his own ground, and today, he knows how to use his strength properly. Spiritually, he is inclined to believe in God, a spiritual being that he does not completely understand but believes nonetheless. His growth in all walks of life is very much welcome. In fact, there are times that we even wonder if we are still talking to a five year old toddler. When it comes to play time though, he is 100% kid.
